Workplaces these days often struggle with the negative affect on productivity and retention from employees spending their time backbiting or gossiping and harming relationships.

Backbiting and gossip are often key players in destroying reputations, dumping on characters, or disunifying relationships. Backbiting refers to speaking in a negative, spiteful, derogatory, or defamatory way about a person who is not present. Even when the words are true, the intent and effect are destructive, creating disunity, whether or not the person spoken of finds out what you said.

Gossip involves spreading personal or sensational information that may or may not have some basis in truth, but which is often inaccurate or incomplete. The intent and outcome are often harmful. When you know something interesting about another person, it is very tempting to share it with others in order to draw attention to yourself and feel important. The people of Ghana share this wisdom: “Those who speak to you about others will speak to others about you.” (More African Proverbs, p. 87)

Talking negatively about other's behavior or character even in a casual way is backbiting. If the people you speak to then spread what you said to others, it becomes gossip. The information often becomes distorted and embellished, which may cause harm or embarrassment to you and others. Before you speak, ask yourself whether you will diminish or make “smaller” the person you are speaking about, in the view of the person to whom you are talking. Would the person spoken about dislike and become unhappy about what you are saying?

If someone starts to raise concerns about others to you, either stop them or encourage them to speak in generalities and not in specifics. You may have to be very firm with others to stop them from backbiting. It can also be helpful to begin sharing something positive about the person under discussion instead.

It is better to communicate about issues directly with someone than to speak about others behind their backs. The goal in any communication is constructive action, not idle or destructive talk.

We have the gift of speech, but it is wise for us to use it with wisdom and appropriate restraint. Wisdom often means pausing before speaking and deciding whether your words will cause benefit or harm. It is good to ask the questions, "Will this create or destroy love and unity?" Respect for others means that our speech focuses on appreciation, praise, and tactful but truthful direct communications.

Susanne Alexander
Relationship, Marriage, and Character Coach